A life worth living can be addicting.

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WARNING:

THIS IS GOING TO BE A REALLY MOPEY BLOG ENTRY.

STAY AWAY FOR YOUR OWN HEALTH BENEFIT.

READ ON AT YOUR OWN RISK.

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Classic case.


Nobody will admit they're wrong.


Me? Well, me too... Basically coz I'm really, really tired of being the only person who ever admits to being in the wrong. And because I'm the only person to ever do that, I've become the girl that couldn't be trusted, the girl that was always on the wrong foot, so on and so forth.


I'm so tired of this.


I really want to cry, but it's only going to make things worse. I'm tired to trying to secure and bridge emotions and ties and relations after every time I actually say what's really on my mind.


I'm getting better at keeping my mouth shut. But sometimes I really get the feeling that if I don't say something, nothing's going to change. Yet if I do, it just gets worse.


佛挡杀佛，神挡杀神


I wish I could live that way. Unfortunately, a long time ago I started dedicating my life to changing, evolving and eventually behaving the way others want me to. I begun trying to live for everybody else. Thankfully, much of that's been washed off. However, not completely.


And you know, when you hold something for far too long, it becomes a necessity instead of remaining a luxury. Kinda like handphones and internets. When we didn't have it, we didn't need it. Bull with that now. None of us will survive a week without them.


Why is it humans will always warp their memories so that they remember things in a way that someone else is at fault? It makes things so complicated, and half the time you don't know if you're on the right or wrong side of the argument, you just "know" you're right.


Once upon a time I had so many people to live for and so many selfish reasons to die. Then I was given so many reasons to live for myself, as well as for everyone else.


Whatever it is I'm going through now that's weighing me down, I hope it's temporary. And I hope someone gives me another reason to live my life for myself.


Life, to me, is a little like icecream: I've had a taste of it, and now I'm not quite willing to quit it just yet.

Minor victories seem much more important than major ones.

Kitchen victories:

Last Sunday, my mum used a knife to stab 4 crabs and didn't kill a single one. I know. They struggled very violently when I tried to pierce them again (I know they still move after they die, but really... struggling that violently, it would have had to be some restless crab spirit).

I killed all of them with a chopstick. And mashed one inside along the way. At least, the restless crab spirits were laid to rest with my divine chopstick.

She did purchase those two huge humongous pincers though. I'm glad we didn't have to kill the crab that should have been attached to those pincers. It might have killed us first.





Provided the body of the crab was proportional in size to its pincers. Might have been 2 weeny fiddler crabs for all we knew.






Today, I cooked spaghetti (angel hair) bolognaise! All by myself! The sauce was a little on the salty side, and I forgot to add olive oil to the angel hair, but a score of 6 to 7 out of ten from my mum seems pretty good. I was hoping for an eight, but I already mentioned my glitches afore.

In any case the bolognaise wasn't made from scratch. I just added stuff to make it bearable, and hopefully, pleasureable.




Changing channel:


I don't get it... do you like me? Do you fear me? You say strange things, but you act normal. You'd wait to have my company for the mrt trip even if you're rushed for time. And I can't quite get over that lightning protest about the person on the phone not being your girlfriend. That came a bit fast, and you seemed panicked by the fact that the rest of us would think such. That surprised me some.


Also, this is one of those times when I've to good reason to hesitate asking you for a straight answer. There are... complications. The way I address you should be a clue. As well as the fact that I thought you had a girlfriend, and I was sure I saw you on one of your dates before. And other stuff that would become dead giveaways.






Sorry. Melodrama. Tune your remote; maybe this blog will get back on track.

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Does anyone know how to delete an msn space? I made one out of curiosity and I don't know how to get rid of it.

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Oops! I think you just fiddled the [OFF] button.

You won't get a lion's tooth if you don't go in the lion's mouth. Risky, I know.

HOLIDAY!!!!!! Oh yah, and before I forget...








I GOT MY FIRST PAYCHECK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A nice neat sum. I wish there was another zero behind it though.




I see an illusion, I know it's a delusion, and I'm walking straight into it. What kind of idiot am I?


Hopefully I get some sort of answer soon... this is killing me.





Meanwhile, I need inspiration. Gimme inspiration. Inspire me. Be my muse.


And while you're at it, I need aspirin. Gimme aspirin. Aspire me. Be my nurse.


That didn't sound too right. If you can't figure out what's wrong I suggest you go get some aspirin yourself.





I need to go cute-guy hunting. Anyone up for a ride?

The world is round and going in circles. FACE THE FACTS. We're all nuts.

They're all coming back again. Some after one big round, some revolving around me in rapid circles like an irritating mosquito. Stuff.


The flu's come back to haunt me, before having really gone. It's not here yet, but all signs point to its coming.


My arrogance and insensitivity is back, though I doubt they really left.


Room's back in a mess.


Fan's turning back to blow at me.


That little sneaky feeling that tells me I'm head-over-heels over somebody when in reality I know the chances are so slim, I'll need chopsticks to pick it up. It's called infatuation. And it's really irritating to me that I habour it. AGAIN.


^%$#$%^&*!!!!!!!


Age excluded, it's an impossible match. And no, I'm not talking about that superdupercute guy at my Aunty G's the other day.


I'm SO checking into Arkham Asylum. Maybe I'll be Harley Quinn's henchgirl or something.










WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?????? Maybe I've too much free time on my hands.









Oh, it may be the working thing, or it may be the sorethroat preventing intake of food, but...


... when I looked in the mirror just now, the first thing I noticed was actually my figure. [GASP]


Usually I notice that ponch at my lower abdomen first. And figure is... well, not striking.











Okay, something's DEFINITELY wrong with me.

The ironies of life are unfortunately very real.

Yesterday morning, before I was anywhere near fully awake (I couldn't even open my eyes; basically I had just become barely concious), my throat constricted and I couldn't breathe.


After thinking the whole day yesterday, I have concluded it was not a state of dream or delusion.


In any case, I think I was too sleepy to panic, coz it didn't make sense that I didn't panic, I mean, I actually remember having the sense to tell myself that maybe if I relaxed it'll go away, and when it didn't I told myself to relax some more (and that's when my throat opened up).


And for the rest of the morning, my throat was tense, though I could still breathe normally.


And later when I had lunch with my mother, after I told her what happened she said that was a panic attack.


Panic attack? From what? I just woke up! I was barely awake! What could possibly have stressed me out when I had nothing in my head but my blanket and bed?









This is weird.


Anyway my throat's feeling funny again. Let's hope I finish this before another possible attack occurs. I'm wide awake now; I'll actually have the decency of mind to panic.


Anyway, my mum and I had lunch at a jap restaurant near her workplace. The restaurant was having some sort of promotion with---














Are you ready for this?













---IKURA!!!

Salmon roe, for the *ahem* unrefined (yes, I'm being completely, utterly HYPOCRITICAL in cap letters). It's very expensive, and is my FAVOURITE-ST THINGY IN THE WHOLE WORLD!!!



So anyway, for 12 bucks, I get pure ikura, for 16 dollars I get ikura and rice in a bowl. I wanted to get the ikura with rice, but my mum decided to pay 25 buckaroos for the ikura and clam with rice (she wanted to take the clams while I had the rest of the lot).


Looking at the picture, anyone would've thought it was a normal rice bowl, worthy of 16 or 25 bucks, depending... but NOOOOOOOOOooooo...


It was a HUMONGOUS bowl, filled with rice and OH SO MUCH IKURA, with the clams forming about 2% of the entire bowl. My mum had about 2 mouthfuls. I vacuumned the rest.


Everything else paled in comparisen afterwards. I was quite sure that I wouldn't get another panic attack in the next few days.


I was really high after that. Feeling slightly nauseous, but a very very very happy girl.


I still think about it. An unforgetable experience. My gosh. The happiest day of my life.







Oh yeah, since ZJJ is out of town for 2 weeks, my father's taken over the cooking. It was initially okay, but the food kept going downhill, and nobody had the heart to tell my dad anything until after yesterday's dinner soup.


Man, I've never tasted anything like it. For good reason.


My mum says she should've kicked him out of the kitchen long ago. My food duties with my mother has officially begun.




My mum and I were also talking about my VERY pear-like figure (the really really bottom-heavy one) and I remarked that when my thighs weren't so thunderous, my face would be skeletal. She said I had a very womanly distribution, and that's why I get a lot of male attention (OKAY OKAY STOP YOUR PUKING THIS INSTANT--- AND I MEAN RIGHT NOW).


The conversation went something like (amidst laughter from both of us):


Mum:... Their genes recognise that you're a woman! It's not them, it's the GENES. Some people have the male distribution (of fat), yours is a very womanly distribution!

Me: So what? Like, I'm the ultimate woman, is it? (singlish, don't mind me) (AND STOP GAGGING)

Mum: Yah (THAT'S ENOUGH, I SWEAR)!




... okay, that's it. You all can stop choking on wind; both my mum and I understood the utter irony too, okay? That's why we were laughing. And anyway, if you puke anymore, your keyboard's going to be damaged.


The discussion went on to my mum's pear-shape but also with slight male fat distribution (she claims she's almost straight-lined), my sister's indistinguishable one (my mum said my sis was to fat for anyone to tell, and challenged me to be able to see it), the suitability of my figure in a kebaya, the slenderness required in a cheongsam and my sister's genetically small waist (I speaketh the truth; despite her obvious overweight, she still has a waist. That should tell you something)


In short, we were having girl talk with medical undertones.


Lately, I've been having tragic allergic reactions to something. Problem is, my mum and I both have no clue as to what it could be.


I'm having a dive trip for my birthday!!

Sometimes, the best help you can offer is not to do anything other than just be there. Of course, the other party doesn't have to know that.

The place feels so empty. I can't get used to it. Everytime I walk in that direction, I start. I just keep expecting to see something there, but there's nothing there. It's just empty.


I don't know when I'll get used to this. It just doesn't feel right.





But there's nothing to be done about it, I guess. I mean, the palms were threateningly close to the bedroom windows, and when that huge branch, from the other tree choked by clingers, hanging above the palms broke off, it fell on the palms and nearly took the roof tiles with it. It was safer to saw off the entire lot in the garden.


It's weird not to see the palm leaves outside my window anymore. But it had to be done.


And time moves on.


Anyway (stop throwing cabbages at me), yesterday I couldn't resist kaypohing at CCS again. This time though, I was more well-behaved (ie, I was slightly more reserved) (stop laughing). Really, I don't believe they need too much of my help anymore, except as some sort of tweaker. They can stand on their own. My presence serves only two purposes: As a stand-in for Teacher L, and as a security blanket.


Anyway, CCS pooled their resources to buy me that AC bear! Yay! The red-shirted one. The nose ain't too pretty but who cares.


Oh! I made a new piece of jewellry! A bead necklace. I haven't got a picture yet, but I'll get one soon. And I really need to speed up my process. I think it'll go really well with a strapless formal dress or something similar, but for the photo I'll use a white shirt (without my face, thank you very much. I'm selling the necklace, not my face) so maybe the colours will be clearer. I'll charge 15 bucks. Discounts go to the usual pple.

Obsessions can kill you... How cool is that?

Here are some manga/anime guys I love that I left out previously:


Ranma 1 & 1/2

Ranma
The-guy-who-appeared-in-only-one-episode-catching-eggs


Tokyo Crazy Paradise (aka Tokyo Angel Bodyguard; result of direct chinese/jap translation)

Ryuji (Long-Er in chinese)
Ah Quan (the nice cop)
Zhong Xiang (the wicked bad cop... and he's not the antagonist)
Qin Hai Dao . Xi Wa=>Shiva (some things transcend words)
Tsu's big bro
Louie (oh my GOSH!! Especially near the end of the series)


Hmmmmm... we'll add to the list some other time, no?

Self-indulgence comes in many forms, and not all of them bad.

Just for the heck of it, here's a list of anime guys I love:


Gensomaden Saiyuki

Cho Hakkai =>
Genjo Sanzo
Konzen=>
Tenpo=>
Homura


Samurai X

Kenshee8)
Aoshi 8)
Souji [mad screaming; yes, me]
Hiko =D


Ayashino Ceres

Toya [high frequency screech]
Aki


Cardcaptor Sakura

Yuki
Judge Yue
Toya
Eriol


Detective School Q

Morihiko Dan
Nanami (heeheehee)
Ryu [increase in pulse rate observed]



Yes I know I'm childish. But really... anime/manga guys are as perfect as they come.

I either talk too much or too little. What gives?

Went back to school today to kaypoh. And gosh was it raining. Again.


Teacher L seemed happy to see me again. We were talking on the way back (and it decided to stop raining!! Yay!! No wet shoes!!). But I think I kaypohed too much in the CCS meeting. I have to remember that I am no longer Pres. It doesn't help that some of the J2 members still call me that. At least the new Pres seems to have gotten her feet.


Should I go back next Mon? I scared I kaypoh too much again. Plus the new Pres needs to boss her own style, without my cramping it. But I'm also not too relaxed about leaving it alone. I should really let go. I'm sure it can stand now without me, especially since Teacher L is going to come on a regular basis now.


Here's something for those who want juicy stuff to gossip.


Went to Aunty G's for dinner. Aunty J was there too (GASP). There was this really nice boy there who was also waiting for A-level results, having graduated from NJC. Darn I shouldn't have played coy, he seemed such a good catch (yes he looked good too). And guess what? Our birthdays are 2 days apart. He's two days older than me.


SHOOT! I didn't even get his name properly. Oh well.










Hey... he WAS attractive, okay? And he was really really nice. And no I'm not turning into a guy-spotter (hunter, if you will).






I get a dive trip for my birthday!! Yay!! ... Well actually, my parents just happened to book the trip in which one of the six days was my birthday. And we leave on *ahem* HIS birthday.


What can I say? I'm obsessive.

Even the strongest tower can fall should a pillar lose but a brick.

My initial day's schedule:

Wake up at 6:00am.
Get ready and board bus at 7:00am
Reach and board MRT at 7:30am
Reach work at 9:00am


National commitee schedule:

6:00 am to 6:45am: 4 blasts in 4 MRT stations, among them was Dhoby Ghaut, upon which a chemical attack was also launched. All simulated.


Altered schedule (by complete coincidence):

Mother sends me to work.


What luck is that? I could've been late for work, or not shown up at all.



11:39pm

Went to a wedding dinner. Had 2 other ex-Acsians at the table, so I enjoyed myself. And I'd have more mood to write about it if my mood hadn't been trampled on.





































It's been confirmed. Meloncholy inspires the best in my poetry.

Never say die. You can say it truthfully when you're dead.

Right. I've got to wake up early for work tomorrow, so you WILL excuse my very slipshort entry tonight.


My lunch

Stewed pork with chinese buns. Best highlight of my day.


My lost identity.

Went to cash checks awarded to me for some school-related stuff. Cashed $350/= and withdrew $150/=. During withdrawal, counter-lady inked and printed my right thumb print, only to find that calling it a thumbprint is really giving too much credit to a blot with white patches and no fine lines (result of my ezema). So she used my left thumbprint, and promptly changed the print in my bankbook automatically. Nice and professional of her. Wonder what happens when all my prints are gone. Maybe I'll go rob the bank.


My first day at work.

At Kembangan Plaza. Harrowing first day. Still learning the ropes. Lucky I'm with pple I've known for eons. Basically all the pple in charge.


My first sale.

Earned eight bucks for a piece of jewellry made long ago. Recently corrected by yours truly.


Dinner plans.

ZJJ will be in Australia for 2 weeks, during which I shall try to cook at least four out of 6 possible nights I can do dinner.


Anymore I'll fill up some other time. I MUST sleep now; I work from 0930 to 1830 tomorrow.

Mood filters your perception and sways your judgement. That's why we were given LOGIC.

Ello, Folks! The wonderful, irreplacable, magnificent, awe-inspiring 2p has returned!!






















Ok you can all stop gagging now. Hurrumph. Some people.


Anyways, let's start off with the airport.


We all know about airport regulations on things that should be checked in and not hand-carried. that includes needles, knives, swords and what-nots; and we all know that this is to prevent terrorists, madmen, crime syndicate agents and government spies (that's stretching it a bit) from getting on board, endangering all the passengers and jeopordising the flight (aka flying the hijacked plane straight into some infrastructure).


Now we see why we, as individual passengers, should follow the regulations. This I illustrate to you using an example.


A bespectacled woman walks up to the Service Counter to make an inquiry. She is escorted to the Lost and Found to retrieve an item that was confiscated before she flew out of the country, one which those in charge had told her she could reclaim when she returned to the country.


All the security staff present eyed this woman warily. There was nothing furtive about this woman, but for a piece of paper in her hand, her ticket to reclaim her belonging; one marked in bold letters, "LETHAL WEAPON/ FIREARM". Cold sweat formed as the security staff observed that there was no hesitation in the woman, who in fact seemed quite relaxed and perhaps too eager.


A marked package containing this woman's belonging was recovered and drawn out of the pile, placed in the hands of the woman, who promptly tore it open, drawing from within, as all waited with bated breath... a small, itty-bitty 4cm pocket knife.


All the security staff inwardly went, "Ah?"


A little spiced up here, there, and everywhere, but that is how my sister came under (unofficial) suspicion of a lethal weapon. I mean, that 4cm pocket knife could really do some damage.


Going to start work soon, but meanwhile I've got some clothes to sell in mint condition, to fund my supply. Anybody interested? 10 to 15 bucks apiece.


Point-and-click-escape-the-room games are very popular on the net. For good reason. For the best, go check out Crimson Room, Escape the Room, Swan Room, My Diamond Baby, Rats... Lots of good one out there, just go look for em. I'll warn you though that Crimson Room is creepy. The rest I've listed are loads of fun.


I need to sleep.