Something that hurts you may not be something you'll regret.

All those people who have been feeling resentment towards my philosophies on 'love' (which I know I've been pushing persistantly... that was the idea), I have good news and bad news.


Good news:

I now understand how you might feel.

Of late, my stamina has been strangely wonderful; with exception of my trip to Kuching, I've been running almost every night in the park, 3.3km non-stop, being more elated when it's raining. Exception being on the days I have salsa class, and sometimes I still find myself thinking: should I go running anyway?

Just now I even did weight training, situps, push ups, dips, leg raises, lunges...

Also, I think I've mentioned that I lost my appeitite the day after, and lost 1 kg or thereabouts within two days of, being rejected. Although I've since regained that weight and appetite, it still surprises me that it could happen to me. I have NEVER lost my appetite over a guy before.


Also, early on in the courtship, I found I got so easily and unreasonably jealous. I see him with a female friend or hear him talking about it and I feel ABSOLUTELY uncomfortable. I tried very hard not to let it get in the way by just booting everytime I felt that way, but I think that was 弄巧反拙... In any case, I never thought I could ever find it in me to be jealous. It was scary.


Of course, the korean drama "princess hours" vcd that I've been watching recently doesn't help matters. I think it's a 50% contributory factor.


When I finally get over this, I'll probably attribute it to 99%.


Bad news:
I stick by my philosophy. Just because I like a guy that much doesn't change my stand.



But seriously... somebody tell me what to do... I thought I'd be over it by now... I've done anything girls have done throughout history: physically exhaust myself, throw myself into activities, cut my hair (although it was getting very long anyway)... I as going to go clubbing to flirt with guys, but I backed out last minute. And it's just hurting more.


So anyway, now to stuff you'd much more request from this blog: nonsense.


My dad got me an early christmas present in the form of an ipod nano, to replace the one with the screen screwed the second time.


And I love it to bits. Loveitloveitloveitloveit. It's just so conveniant. I'm am now an official convert.

You can create playlists on it!! And it doesn't need batteries!! It gets charged while connected to the computer!!

Of course, you probably knew that already... but I didn't... and so now I'm raving about it.


I just which there was a red cover instead of a pink one... or purple maybe... but oh well...


I think I did well in bonding with my auntie over christmas... And she really seemed to love the painting I addressed to the family...


But until she actually opened it, my dear cousin happily 'assumed' it was a portrait of myself, which she gleefully threatened to hang in the bathroom so I could watch them all in the toilet...


And of course, when the actual painting--- a picture of roses with the caption: Where flowers bloom, so does hope---- was revealed, she still suggested putting it in the toilet, and my sister decided to reveal how my mum hung a picture of a sinking ship on the back of the guestroom bathroom door so that a person doing his/her business would approprietely see a picture of a sinking object. So I said, "Where flowers BLOOM..." It's very bad toilet humour, but it works.


Wondering about that Zouk thing at the expo... is it worth the money?

Sometimes, fantasy is painful.

Confusion... but I think I'm beginning to understand.


My match (who previously rejected me, recall?) called me out on a dinner date yesterday night. At first I wondered why on earth, but I agreed to go anyway, and it turned out quite pleasent. He treated me to sushi and e-zone, and accompanied me to buy wrapping paper and stuff. Even informed me that his birthday was today.


It wasn't until after the date that I realised this may have been him trying to make me feel better, bring a better closing to things. If so, nice of him to do so... I really enjoyed it, and I appreciate it. After all, he's one of the few guys left who dates for the sake of dating rather than because he already has prior interest in a girl (ie, keeping his options open).


However, he did hint that there may be other dates, and is quite persistent in trying to get me to go salsa nights (that might be him having no one to dance with though).


Whatever he's thinking, I'll leave him to it. Shall try very hard not to assume anything beforehand.


Anyways, am in kuching now, in front of the computer, getting cosy with one auntie and two cousins in a huge house. Opportunity to bond with auntie, for all the times I've been a nuisance. Two cousins, I think, no problem...


Had fun today.

The most dangerous things are the ones you think nothing of.

OH MY GOSH THE INTERNET IS SO SCARY I JUST FOUND MY COUSIN'S BLOG AND A BLOG OF A GIRL WHO HAS A CRUSH ON MY ELDEST COUSIN (I CAN'T BE WRONG; SHE DESCRIBED HIM WITH TATTOOS) OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH AND ALL I DID WAS TO SEARCH FOR THEIR NAMES AND STATE.


... On a second thought... that's why you shouldn't use real names on the internet...

You must be insane not to be crazy.

Yesterday, it was raining the whooooooooooolllle day, and I hadn't been able to run on Monday like I planned, so I thought: what the heck. Run in the RAIN!!! Whoohoo!!


I thought I was seriously going to regret it, but no. It was brilliant.


It was cold, it was wet, it was heavy, it was poor visibility... it was refreshing.


It felt so good. There was no one else in the park (duh... i'm the only one who's crazy enough to be crazy), since it was pouring. No lightning strikes, save one in a distance with no thunder. Puddles EVERYWHERE. At first I just avoided the puddles, but then there were some stretches that were completely submerged, and I just sprinted through them, and it was FUN.


Sure my shoes got wet. I couldn't care less.


It's one of those things that make you feel as though you haven't felt like that in a long, long time. Even if it's not the case.


Following up with my inane streak, I painted glitter on my thumb nails after a little belated choral rehersal with my mother and sister. I need to practise more. I'm off and I know it.


~ Lully, lulla, thow littel tyne child~~ By, by, Lully, Lullay~~

(Translation: lully, lulla, thou little tiny child... by, by, lully, lullay... it's in old anglo spelling)

I love singing the descant part (which, by the way, I recently discovered was not a range, just a part used in scores to separate two groups of sopranos singing different melodies).


By the way, I'm in school now. Just had Subway for lunch. While placing orders, I had fun with a secondary school npcc guy. We were poking at each other for all it was worth. To think it all started because he was shocked that there were discounts for students in moi school.


No, I did not flirt with him. I'm in uni, hallo... he secondary... I not paedorphirele orkay...


Anyways, gotta go for salsa soon. After which I'm going to get my darlinks laptop checked out by the experts who claim to be in my school.

Sanctuary does not evade us, yet we all spend a lifetime chasing its elusive shadow.

Apparently, this is my hundredth post on this blog, this address. So let's break out the champagne. Woohoo.


You can get drunk. I'm not touching any alcohol. I'm resigned to the fact that I may never learn to like it.


Anyway, I've just finished reading "The Hunchback of Notre Dame". Those of you immersed fully in the Disney version and have not an inkling of the original story, here are a few facts:


1. Captain Phoebus is no hero. He's a casanova and a heartless brute. It doesn't help that I have an agenda against guys (don't get me wrong; I'm still heterosexual, but I think I may be harbouring the mind of a feminist... hopefully, I'm wrong in that second aspect).
2. Frollo is no judge. He's a priest. And he started out as a really nice man.
3. Esmeralda has never had ill-humour toward Phoebus. Love at first sight for her. Honestly, she's a real fool. But that's humanoid emotion for you. We're all guilty; it's just the extent.
4. The mob have no brains.
5. Quasimodo isn't cute and cuddly from the start.
6. Quasimodo and Phoebus don't know each other. They only meet once.
7. In the movie, Notre Dame herself is personified, to a wonderful effect; in the book, Notre Dame is merely a place and a tool.


Yep... that's all the stuff to note that I can contrive... meanwhile...


The Hunchback of Notre Dame is a better book than The Count of Monte Cristo on account of a stronger beginning and a wonderful ending, something that The Count of Monte Cristo quite failed in (though the intrigue of the content quite made up for it).


The story is not so much about Quasimodo as it is about disillusion, obsession, blind devotion, foolishness, selfishness, cowardice and skewed conscience in the people surrounding Notre Dame, all of which are binding threads used by Cruel Fate in a tapestry of tragedy.


There is no main protagonist in the story, although Quasimodo serves as the pivotal pillar despite his minimal appearances. The main antagonist is, of course, Frollo. The story follows many characters in their quest for some desired existance, or some sanctuary (a keyword to note in this novel, though it appears only once), none of whom actually achieve it (other than Phoebus and Clopin). Some like Pierre, are peacefully satisfied with the alternative thrown at them. Most others go through living hell, fighting a losing battle against Fate's tapestry.


In some sense, perhaps, Fate herself is the main character of the story.


Quasimodo is not very likeble from the start, while Frollo is originally a scholar priest of compassion, though, toward the end of the story, I believe many of you will agree that Quasimodo was the wiser one in his actions. His depiction in the last third of the novel, so starkly different was it from the impression given from the start. Frollo tends the other way, being such a learned person in the first quarter and declining quickly after.


Esmeralda is a very young girl, so one might forgive her for her foolish dreams of love and calvary. Yet her many other actions reflect a maturity beyond her years, in spite of her childish temperement, and this casts less sympathy on her rabid infatuations with the notions of love.


Let's not touch on Phoebus, shall we? I think you roughly know the character, from what I've already described.


There is a link between Quasimodo and Esmeralda, a fatal one established some fifteen years before the story took place, one that set the stone rolling for the ultimate tragedy. Neither Esmeralda nor Quasimodo are ever aware of it, and neither will you readers be, if you're not observant enough, so subtly it is presented. If you realise what this link is, however, the ending is all the more poignant in it's literary symbolism.


Clopin is exactly as he is in the movie, save the theatrics. He is a leader of the Truands, and rightly so. He won't have you rallying for his cause, but he has the Truands rallying for his cause, with a dignity, presence, charisma and command that you will find on no one else save this minor character, Clopin.


Pierre, also a minor character, is one more likely to rouse your attention. There's a chinese term for a person like him and that's 现实... perhaps likable... more irritating than hateful. Poor soul was saved from the gallows by Esmeralda, but he would eventually bring her to it. His saving grace is his affection for Esmeralda's goat, Djali.





Worth a read? OF COURSE. I just wish I could describe it in as much detail as I did the Phantom of the Opera. Looks like I'm losing my words.

There's always a light side to life, even if an anvil is sitting on your life.

I have just rediscovered why the stress ball is called a "stress ball".


I was wringing (ie, manhandling) it all the way to work this morning (suspect that I unnerved some people on the train meanwhile) with the mp3 chugging music into my ear. No, it's not because it stresses everybody else out, that's only where I'm concerned; it's something that you can mangle over and over again and it'll still instaneously return to the ball form for you to mangle again. Very good for stressed out people, and a more or less good substitute for wringing somebody's neck.


Did you know I lost 2 kg during this period of time in which I have not yet gotten over that dang heartache? Never happened before. Shocked that it should even happen to me, of all people. But then, that may be my comeuppence for thinking I can analyse every aspect of life (actually, I still think I can).


I should get dumped more often. Then again, to get dumped, I have to get hooked up first.


I know I'm scaring you. If I'm not, it's because you already know the kind of person I am, and it'll be extra scary if I wasn't being scary.



Figure that out yourself.



Anyway, that's another white star in the jar, along with all the other stars, and all the other white stars that each have a name of a romantic prospect who has passed through my life afore, as well as what I remember them for in that same aspect.


It's one of the very few girly-whirly things I do. Actually, not that very few, come to think of it.


Oh who cares. Like I'd ever admit to them.


Oh, wait. I just did.


Kisses for Christmas. Oh, stop dodging. You're facing a moniter screen, for goodness' sake.

Daylight deals a bad hand to a person who has laid too many bets. But if you don't take a gamble, you don't get money.

(please exercise principle of charity. I'm not encouraging any form of gambling)


I was so reluctant to put up a new post, because the current posts on the tag-board and the previous entry was so well matched (even without my being loud-mouth), but after some time it gets boring anyway.


So.


Here's the deal: lately I've been attending salsa lessons, this morning I just got confirmation that my match is no longer my match, and tomorrow (later?) my mother believes I'm making corner-terrace flambe.



Salsa lessons are FUN. It helps that the teacher is lots of fun.

Seriously. "I'm probably one of those teachers who will allow you to talk as much as you want... I'm not being sarcastic; there's lots of energy going around... but I have one condition: Boys, you have to get the girls' number."

Still learning NOT to back-lead.


Being rejected is not fun. And I suppose those who have been following my blog can guess that it hurts a lot more this time around... and you'd be right. But it's also a huge load off my shoulders, to have it out in the open.

Can you believe it affected my appetite? I was pretty shocked at myself. Didn't want to have lunch at all. In the end ZJJ made me eat some rice with meat cubes. Not much, but I didn't exactly wolf it down. I willingly went to work without dinner, and would probably have gone without dinner if I hadn't had some entertaining conversations with my colleagues and teacher about cooking.

But anyway. That's reality. We're still friends, and there are other fishes in the sea. Just that the good ones aren't that easy to catch.

Heart still feels a bit heavy, but I'll get over it, as usual.


Beef pot pie made by moi tomorrow, using my own recipe (basically, that means I'm doing things by instinct, in addition to the obvious stuff; no recipe has been consulted, although the regular cook, ZJJ, has been). Groceries amounted to exactly 50 bucks, and I'm quite proud of the way the filling turned out. Letting it soak for a day, and tomorrow I'll do the rest before serving dinner. The pot pie itself is a subtle east-west fusion, but the soup well be chinese broth, and the salad...... Well, salad is quite universal, but I'm wondering if I can make my own dressing...

Dang I forgot the onions. Hope my parents' red wine makes up for it. I put some in the filling.

Parental units aren't sure whether to trust me on this one. They are my guinea pigs, after all. Mother keeps telling me not to burn down the house.


And oh yes... I'M VERY HAPPY ABOUT MY GRADES!!


Shan't broadcast them here... I broadcasted it on msn... otherwise, ask me yerself.






Oh, and boys? I'm single and available now, so you'd better start running. Away, that is.

Sometimes, bad things happen because we let them happen... because we were too lazy to stop them.

Someone gets upset, and I don't know what to do, nor what to say. The one thing I can do is listen.


But you can't exactly 'listen' through a blog, can you... or rather, the other person can't tell you're listening or understanding.


The age of technology has bestowed on us many things, such as outlets for anonymous venting, information in an instant, instant connection... but it has also taken away some things, like intimacy, honesty, socialising, sincerity, security, certainty...


Put things up on a blog, and someone comes to insult you, knowing full well he/she can hide behind a name.


Log on to an account, to find that someone hacked in and has been sending nasty things around with it.


Check your financial accounts, and find that someone has cloned your credit card.


Find a best friend online, when all he/she is looking for is gossip.


Not to say we didn't let it happen. We did. And there are still ways we can keep what we don't want technology to take.


Because of emails, nobody needs to write anymore... but who's to say we can't? Write instead of type. I think we'll find the content of the exchange much more enriching, and there's an added rush, a thrill, of just waiting for a letter to come.


Because of motor vehicles, nobody needs to walk anymore... so what? Take a stroll once in a while... get lost in some place. That's an adventure you can have anytime.


As for my friend, I wish I knew what else I can do... but I'll wait. I'll wait for the day I can sidestep technology, and really be there for a friend.

Religion exists because some deity exists... not the other way around.

I've just borrowed too many books from the library. The one I'm reading now is called, "I Believe In Water".


It's a religious sort of thing. Or rather, it talks about people's troubles and the relationship they have with their own religion: that includes christianity, buddhism, hinduism (that's a religion? that's not a religion... I thought that was a way of life...), islam...


I would have thought these "soup for the soul" type of books would have been very preachy, like "The Daily Bread" (to all enraged practicing methodists/ any other christians out there... don't be so quick to accuse me of religious discrimination. I am a Methodist).


(By the way, it bothers me that some people think catholics and christians are two separate groups... THEY'RE NOT. Christianity is the general umbrella term, and under that we have the various denominations, the dominant (and traditional) populous of which adheres to catholicism, followed by methodism or protestant-ism, depending on your locality, and then the others like charismaticism... well, actually, that's all I know... and then here and there you have your little ulu cults. Come to think of it, when does a religious body become a cult? Does anyone know?)


(Also, if memory serves me correct, the protestant church was founded by a certain King Henry, right? And the methodist church was founded by John Wesley, originally an Anglican Catholic. So then, is the methodist community still part of the protestant community? It's roots came nowhere near the protestant community... and yet, the idea of "protestants" basically means "protest" against or a differing view from catholics... somebody give me a good answer)


Anyway, about the book.


I thought things like that would be preachy, but it didn't turn out that way. It is surprisingly a really good read. Full of little short stories, that feel like they mean something because that's how the authors truly saw the issue, instead of feeling as if they were written by brainwashed religious fanatics. And most importantly, the authors (at least of the stories I've read so far), have made no shy from the reality that even in religion, there are so many, so many grey areas.


Go check it out. "I Believe In Water". I think it's a good starting point for thought reorganisation to those starting to doubt their religion. I know I doubt mine (and still do, to some extent).


Note: I doubt my religion. I don't doubt the existance of God. So please, learn from this book I'm recommending to you, and stop preaching to me. A lot of you don't seem to learn that your frenetic style of "spreading the faith" is keeping a whole lot of people away from it.


Another thing to think about, starting with a personal opinion: The christian population has the largest percentage of HYPOCRITES (Once again, HOLD YOUR HORSES BEFORE YOU MAKE AN ACCUSATION. I'm quite sure you bible-thumping folks of my- supposedly- chosen religion will agree that Jesus listened more than he accused). I'm sure He taught us to love our neighbours, and our enemies as well, for that matter. SO WHY THE HECK ARE WE WARRING WITHIN THE CHRISTIAN CIRCLE, BETWEEN THE DENOMINATIONS??????? For reasons regarding "defending our faith", no less.


Oh sure. Say, "Thou shalt not kill" while hurling profanities at someone who won't accept your zealous preaching? Please.


And some of you idiots should know: it is not a "sin" for a person of christian faith to have a person of non-christian faith as a spouse. I refuse to explain further. Go squint at your scripts. Thrice over.

Everything goes in neverending cycles, so keep your wardrobe... it'll be fashionable again when we're 80.

It's 2 am in the morning, and I'm here... coz I can't get over it till I blog this in all ye faces...


MY EXAMS ARE OVER!!!! YES!!! ... well, at least for the next 4 months or so... then I'll have to go through this all over again.


Happy. Moody. Because that means tomorrow (technically today) I have to go back to work. Don't know if it was because of exam stress, but shortly before my applied leave I wasn't doing too well. Oh wells. Time to MOVE AHEAD. I've got children to reform. And I need to make sure I stay the same sweet, fun but still uncompromising-on-discipline teacher.


I can start on my other two pajamas now, and plan those 3 dinners properly, and think about christmas presents, get my cashcard and my orange debit card...


Roller-blading!! I need to take up my skates again!! Heck care with my ankle, unless I reach the school pool first...


I've yet to find a local manufacturer or a distributor. Help, anyone?